• Jesse Levin

The Dance of Intimacy

Updated: Dec 16, 2018

You know the drill. The same dance, over and over again with partners that seem different but end up being a lot like the last. A post mortem of past relationships and familial patterns can break the Sisyphean cycle and change the dance.

The Dance of Intimacy, What does the dance look like?


We choose, or are chosen by a partner. This someone usually has our same capacity for intimacy, however different they seem at first.


We do “the dance.” We live, we love, and we learn about one another. We get involved in one another’s lives and inevitably…


We get triggered. These events can be as small as an offhand remark and as large as an affair. It can be a look, smell or sixth sense that triggers us. Once triggered, one of two things happens: either we have the capacity to love this person unconditionally even though they have triggered us or….


The reptilian part of our brain goes into overdrive, and tells us that we must do one of three things: A. Fight B. Flight C. Freeze. If we cannot love this person unconditionally, we look for an “other.”


Another shiny bubble appears. Maybe you choose a partner who on the surface appears to be the direct antithesis of the last.


Our capacity for romantic intimacy has not changed, we have neither explored nor recognized our triggers. And we are likely to repeat the same cycle.

Rinse and repeat. Ad nauseam until… We find ourselves either single and searching once again or solo, with relationship exhaustion.